I sit at the computer this afternoon a bit torn....but willing to dive in and share the journey my heart is traveling as of late. I know God is all consuming and all powerful, but sometimes don't you just want a peek at what the "plan" looks like? I do, and I'm not ashamed to admit it.
At our last Women's Wednesday I shared a bit of my hearts journey. Being Thanksgiving, we took a few moments to remember all the things that we're thankful full, in faith, I decided to share what I am thanking God in advance for, believing and proclaiming for.....a baby, our baby, our last baby.
I never grew up dreaming of being a mom, or having kids, I never thought of how many I would have, what there names would be or what they would look like. It just wasn't me. So to be thinking and feeling the way I have seems somewhat strange to me. You see, Matt and I have been trying for our third baby for just about a year. It is a deep desire of my heart to have one more child, as I feel as though our family is not yet complete. Don't get me wrong, there are days when I wonder, "why would I add another to this chaos!?!?" But, in my heart of hearts I still feel as though there is to be one more. Both of our girls were planned and thankfully they were created and formed easily - without much work on our part. But this one, well, this is where a glimpse of God's plan comes into play.
In the mean time, I've been through a number of tests and ultrasounds to find out exactly what's going on inside. My cycles have been so heavy that one would think I was having a miscarriage, when in fact I'm not. More than anything, it's exhausting.
Every month I'm filled with feelings of doubt and disappointment. I have to fight the lies of the enemy that work to try and tell me I'm not good enough or patient enough or worthy enough to raise and nurture three kids. I fight the urge to condemn myself and conclude that there must be something wrong with me. It's a battle I keep fighting, some months are harder than others, but I'm determined to believe truth, not lies, and trust God's plan. So, on the good days, I try and stand firm, knowing that His timing is greater than anything else, that it is only Him that has created the deep desires of my heart (remember, I never dreamed about kids or motherhood) and that it is Him that will bring them to pass. For the plans and purposes of this child are far greater than I could ever imagine, and to complete those plans he or she must be born in His time, not mine.
So here I stand today, home from yet another test. This time an ultrasound, to look for fibroids or internal scarring that would be causing the excessively heavy cycles and impede my body from getting pregnant. The waiting is the hardest part, the wondering and the wandering of the mind.
So, I leave you with that, the journey of my heart. The growing and stretching of my faith and my spirit. I don't write this or share any of these things to gain sympathy, but to be real. Because sometimes, when people ask, "how are you doing?!?!" it's so much easier to mutter "I'm doing great" than to say "I'm struggling, but not giving up!"
So here's to being transparent my friends, not always doing great, but not giving up.